Today is not going well. Last night I had major brain fog--I couldn't think at all; I couldn't remember what I was doing; and I couldn't focus on anything. I finally gave up on my homework when I had spent an hour writing less than a sentence. I went to sleep at 9:30pm. I woke up again at 11:45pm, feeling nauseous and restless. I watched Friends until I finally felt good enough to sleep again around 2am. Needless to say, I did not sleep well.
This morning I still have brain fog, but not quite as bad as last night. I was able to get ready for class, and I left on time. I got to campus at 9:45am; my first class started at 10:10am.
For the past couple of days, I have had a pretty bad headache, so I really needed not to walk today, as walking would make it worse. This map shows my path this morning. The gray line is me driving; the orange line is me on the campus bus (the PanTran.) I tried to park on East Campus, where my classes are, but there weren't any spaces, not even handicapped. So I drove over to West Campus, praying that I made it in time for the bus, which left at 10:05am (five minutes before my class started.) I parked in a handicap spot close to the bus stop (which is the orange star.)
I made it to the bus and got on, but there weren't any open seats. A few of us stood in the aisle and held onto the rails. The only rail that wasn't already taken was above my head, so I held on to that. I already have balance problems, so I almost fell over a few times, especially when the bus turned. And it didn't help my headache that I strained my neck by holding my arm above my head and by trying to balance myself against the swaying of the bus. I would have been better off walking across campus.
Thankfully, the bus dropped me off right in front of my classroom building, but I was still late to class. Once I was all settled in my seat in class, I turned around to get my water out of the side pocket of my backpack. It wasn't there. I assume that it fell out during the drive to school, and that it is sitting in the trunk of my car on the other side of campus.
I always carry water with me. I have for years. I started keeping a bottle of water with me when I started having panic attacks; now, as long as I have water and my anti-anxiety medicine, I can get out of a panic attack. Also, (I think this is a Chiari symptom) sometimes I feel out of nowhere like I'm going to gag. My throat just tingles and spasms for no reason. Drinking makes this feeling go away--another reason to have water with me all the time. So when I realized I had left my water in the car, it was kind of a big deal.
By the grace of God, I made it through my first class without panicking and without my throat spasming. As soon as class was over, I came down to the Student Center and bought a bottle of water.
There's some other stuff going on that is adding to my bad day. My digestive tract has been upset for the past week or so, which is somewhat normal for me, but it's still frustrating, and it makes using a public bathroom really uncomfortable. Also, finals are next week, and I'm feeling particularly frustrated with my Chiari.
As someone who has pain every day, and whose life is severely dictated by which activities are ok and which will hurt me, I get jealous when I hear about someone who has Chiari but only has minimal symptoms. There are some videos on YouTube by people who have Chiari; some of these people experience very debilitating symptoms, and some of them just have a headache every now and then. However, people in both situations have posted videos about how awful their lives are because they "suffer" from Chiari. It's not that I don't sympathize with them; I do, and I know that I am particularly blessed to have the mobility and the abilities that I have. But sometimes I get sick of hearing it.
Sometimes I want to scream out, "My life is more limited than yours is, so stop complaining!" Go to my page titled "The Definition of Chiari," and you will see a list of Chiari symptoms; I have marked the thirty-seven symptoms that I have with an *.
I wear sneakers 95% of the time because other shoes don't have enough impact absorption. I drag a wheeled backpack around campus because carrying a normal one gives me an awful headache every time, and I can't keep up with my homework through that pain. I go to a local college and live with my parents because I couldn't live in a dorm room (when my headaches get bad, I need someone around to take care of me.) My fiancé and I don't take day trips because the drives hurt me. We probably won't be able to have kids because I wouldn't be able to take care of them, and because Chiari is genetic (I don't want to pass this on.) I also have TMJ (Temporomandibular Joint Disorder), IBS (yes, Irritable Bowel Syndrome), and Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome.
"Top that!"
But then I remember the other stuff I have: a loving, supportive fiancé and family, a safe home, an education, mobility, life goals, life itself, and a loving Creator who will be with me through every disappointment and every headache. Sometimes Chiari just plain sucks, but I can still be thankful for the good stuff I have, and I can remember that God made me who I am for a reason. After all, no matter how difficult and frustrating life is, God is still good.
Image:
Shepherd University. "Campus Maps." Map. Shepherd University. Shepherd University, n.d. Web. 28 Nov. 2011.
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